Some of My Fears |
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| I have long admired you and wanted to
be in your circle, one of your friends. I enjoyed living with you at the Worker, and was
always afraid that if I revealed my innermost thoughts I would get kicked out of your
life. Does that make any sense? I can't begin to describe the fear I've had in wanting to talk to you about your problems with Rio. I want so much for you two to get back together. My concern has consumed a lot of my time. When you and I have been together walking or driving to and from the airport, I've wanted so much to say a few things to you, but have been afraid to do so, for fear that you would be annoyed at my fundamentalist ravings and rebuke me. A pessimistic and unloving attitude, I admit. Part of me knows it isn't so, but another part of me is still fearful. I hope this is not too insulting. It's more a self-conscious, self-centered fear than an expression of any suspicion toward you. But I admit that it's unloving. Love assumes the best about another.
Love is optimistic. |
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| My biggest problem in life is
my unwillingness to risk superficial or apparent friendship for deep and true friendships.
I'm afraid if I speak my mind I will disrupt a relationship that on the surface is
cordial, by having what I wanted to be a friend reject me and my views.
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This is truly one of the biggest problems in my life. I thought it would be much easier for me to write everything down, throw in onto some unknown sector of AOL's hard drive, let you know where it is, and if you choose to read it you can. (Boy that really indicts me just to read that. What selfish fear!) I thought I could avoid rejection that way. But even this prospect has left me paralyzed. I've worked for so long to get this web site finished. I mean started -- it isn't remotely finished. But if you're reading this, it means I finally got enough started to upload it. And that means I love you more than I ever have. It means I care about you and your family more than I ever have. |
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| I suppose you think that as a fundamentalist my attitude toward you is reprobation, condemnation, holier-than-thou, rebuke and shun you, etc., etc.. In all honesty, it's only as I worked on this page, and worked through the fears that kept me from giving these words to you, that I ever thought about the reasons you might think I was angry at you. I suppose many guys would be angry if a single gal they had an eye on and cared a great deal about were seduced by another friend who was already married. But whenever I talk to Laura about it, she becomes teary-eyed and depressed, and anger is not the emotion of the day, and when I think about you, I think, There but for the grace of God go I, and anger is once again pushed away by deeper emotions. I have my own problems to worry about, and condemning you won't help me deal with my own problems. And I really do have a great deal of fondness for you and your family, and anger just doesn't ever get its nose in the tent. | ||
| I hope you're not suspicious, or assuming that I'm holier than thou and angry at you for what you've done to two great female human beings that I have a great deal of love for. I write to a friend, not an enemy. I write with affection, not anger. I hope what I have written is helpful, not condemning. | ||
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