A Web Journey for Jonathan
Why Bible-Thumpers are More Cool than Trendy Psychologists, Professors, or Politicians:
• Evolution and Genocide
• Loaves and Fishes
• In Defense of the Crusades
• The Modern World and the Bible
• The Catholic Worker and the Bible
 Jonathan, I've been working on this project for the longest time. I hope some day you'll want to forgive me for the delay. The delay represents selfish fear. I have been afraid you would be insulted at my fundamentalist rants and cut ties with me. I've had ties cut before, you know.

But I should have cast self-focused fears aside and optimistically shared with you what I wanted to say.

My goal is to get you and Rio back together. I wish I could express all the reasons why I want that. In a word, it's love. Love for you and love for Rio.

Also the kids.

I also want you back together because I want you to overcome the problems that caused the breakup in the first place. If you continue along the path that led to your separation, it will keep you from giving to the world all that you have the talent to give; it may even have disastrous consequences on your future. On the other hand, undoing the problems and patterns of the past will have the most beneficial effects on you, Rio, and the kids.

If I say anything that insults you, feel free to object. I have no doubt that my responses to your objections will be more helpful than the pages I have already written. I should be willing to sit down with you and hear your thoughts, and then share mine. But I'm chicken (as I'll explain along the way) hence this web page.

I hope by the time you read this I will have already given you a book called Rebuilder's Guide. Yeah, it's a Bible-thumping tract. I'm certainly not unaware of the fact that you're not one to have much interest in such things. When it comes to sex I know you're much more interested in sophisticated ideas like Jung and whoever. That's why I've written this website: to give the book a little assistance by spicing it up for a man of your tastes.

But I think before I can convince you to read either the book or these web pages, you'll have to be convinced of two things:

  • First, that I can empathize with your situation and offer practical, workable advice, and
  • Second, that I'm not going to give you hellfire and brimstone.

Empathy

 I've decided I cannot convince you that I can empathize and offer you anything of help.

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.
Hebrews 4:15

For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome.
1 John 5:3

I know you think I'm "sexually repressed." I remember your telling me (and I mention this not out of anger or sarcasm, but just to let you know that I know your assessment of me) that a lot of my problems would be solved if I "would just get laid." I guess it goes without saying that I am committed to moving as far and as quickly as I can in the opposite direction.

Not that there haven't been times that I've stumbled. In fact, there have been a few times when I have been moving in the direction you've suggested (of course, all the while carrying a banner announcing to the world that I am a saint committed to moving in the opposite direction).

So don't even think about dismissing these web pages because I'm not sympathetic to your "needs." I may be a hypocrite, but I'm not without temptations. I have considered giving you a list of women I've encountered while going the wrong direction, and I think you would be utterly astonished at the length of the list and the distance I've gone in the wrong direction. In my own hypocritical defense, I can say with Bill Clinton, I never had sex with any of those women, and cigars haven't been part of my repertoire, but I don't feel qualitatively superior to Slick Willy just because I dropped out of the wrong-way marathon a few yards short of the finish line. Anyway, I don't think the names or the details would be, as they say, edifying.

But the more important reason I'm not going to try to try to justify myself by condemning myself — to convince you that I can empathize with your problems — is because I'm not the One you have to answer to, nor the One Who eventually will heal your marriage.

This may be the most important point of all. The God Who created you does not make laws in order to tyrannize or oppress you. The Creator is not unsympathetic to His Creatures. When followed, His Commandments mend the torn fabric of life.

Condemnation

 I also want to kill any ideas you may have that the purpose of this book and web site is to indict you, condemn you, throw stones, and destroy your reputation. I want to try to convince you that I write only out of love and a desire to give you something which is healing and helpful. I dearly want you and your family to enjoy God's richest blessings.
I've removed a few paragraphs that were here and placed them here. They describe my affection for you and the fears I have in talking to you about this subject. If you're suspicious about my intentions in writing this site, click that link. If you believe that I'm a friend who really wants to see you and Rio back together, just keep reading.

Structure of the Site

 I've organized my thoughts into a calendar. You can bookmark the calendar and click the day's date, which will get you 15 minutes' worth of anarcho-fundamentalist rant, or, if you can't get enough, hit the "next" button and just keep reading. The days follow a book I'm going to get to you -- soon I hope, if you don't already have it. As I write this, I'm hoping the calendar will be up and running on Wednesday, September 15.

The Basic Idea
I don't guess I need to tell you too much here, I'm sure you know my basic idea:
E-mail me.

Be faithful to Rio just like God is faithful to His bride.

In the Bible, no matter how many times Israel commits spiritual adultery, the Divine Husband is forgiving. The Shepherd goes after the one lost sheep.

But your case is certainly complicated by the fact that the husband has committed adultery. Now the little lamb doesn't trust the shepherd. You have to win Rio's trust. Like most things in life, easier said than done.

When you and I and Toni Flynn went out for coffee after Cliff Dietrich's funeral, you gave an account of your efforts to invite Rio back.

(This is where writer's block always sets in. Maybe it's an unhealthy prudery, I don't know. It's funny: I'm afraid you're going to criticize me, yet I also feel complete invincibility. You could call me a prude, but I also think that my agenda is pretty close to God's agenda. I welcome your harshest criticism, your best shot at "the emperor has no clothes!" )
E-mail me. Anyway, I was quite surprised at your approach. My thought was that you have a blindspot. (When a friend sees a "Kick Me" sign taped to the back of his friend, he does something about it.) I thought, "How can you ask Rio back into the bedroom like that when that's the very issue that has broken the two of you up?!?" (But, as always, I didn't vocalize it.) I understand completely your desire to have her accept that invitation. Given the past, Rio's willingness to return to bed would certainly be a sign that all had been healed. But it seems to me that that day is going to be the very last thing to happen.

When I went to visit Martha at Tonopah with Rio, you told me she would say some things about you that would be very hard for me to hear. I was waiting for the worst, but it never happened. Rio never said anything bad about you. It was a complete surprise to me. No indictments, no list of grievances against you. The event you disclosed in to her Colorado did not figure prominently. She spoke only of her own feelings of distance, alienation, inability to love you as you expected. It was as if she was blaming herself for the breakdown of the marriage.

These deteriorating feelings go back long before The Event. I suspect there are patterns in your life that go way back, that have steadily eroded Rio's trust and love for you.

There are two things I've tried to avoid when talking with her. First, I don't want to put ideas in her head. I don't want to convince her that it's all your fault and none of hers. (Which I don't believe.) And of course, second, I don't want to get into any inappropriate details. (And at times my conscience has prompted me to ask if it's appropriate to be alone with Rio at all, and you're welcome to add your signature to that indictment.)
The only people I've talked to about your marriage is Rio, Laura, Toni Flynn, and Tony Mazzilli. (Well, I should say I've listened to Tony M.; I think he's done more talking than I have!) Tony's problem, as I see it, is not that he spreads false rumors, but that he gossips. He tells people truths they don't need to hear. I have tried not to spread Tony's reports to any other people, but I have had some of Tony's reports confirmed by Rio and Laura. The attempt at reconciliation which you described at the coffee shop fits in with the pattern I see.

Diagnosis:

 If I recall, Brian Sissell was trying to get you to read Patrick Carnes' book. I guess my diagnosis is in the same direction: an additction to lust. When I first heard the 12 Steps about 15 years ago, I thought they were a secularized version of my favorite seminar, The Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts. The Bible says "Sin must not have dominion over you," which is a description of an "addiction." And I sincerely believe that without my putting any ideas in Rio's head, this is her diagnosis as well. And she tells me that the counselor you two saw never really broached this subject.

Prognosis:

 I'm optimistic that if you accept what I suspect was Brian's diagnosis, you and Rio can get back together.

Prescription:
  1. One of my web pages a day.
  2. A solid, firm, genuine, heartfelt commitment to never again lust after another woman besides Rio.
  3. A willingness not to desire Rio until she gives you permission to do so.
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 Obviously #2 is more important than #1. As for #3, I'll only say at this point that I speak as a friend who dearly wants the best for you, wants with all my heart to see you and Rio together again, and I believe this will do it. I'm not going to say that Rio endorses every jot and tittle on this web site. But I will say emphatically that the key to the healing of your marriage is your sexual desires. A wild stallion does no one any good until it's been broken, tamed, and is a reliable worker. A wild horse lives and dies alone in the desert.

Rio told me that this is a door you absolutely have to go through if your marriage is to be healed.

That's what I want to create for you. A door which you can open and a room you can enter and spend some time in. Rio said you must go through this door and spend time here if you want to get back together with her. I want to help you go through that door and be very very happy.

Please email me when you've finished with this page, and I'll delete it from AOL's hard drive.